Flowers and chocolate for Valentine’s Day are nice, but they don’t really promote communication or otherwise strengthen your relationship. Set the bar higher this year by surprising your partner with… a conversation about sharing housework! 

Stay with me here. Chores may sound unromantic, but an honest conversation about them can change your relationship for the better. That’s because distributing the workload more proactively will deepen understanding and reduce stress across the family. You can tackle the conversation in a neutral and practical manner when you address it like a professional project manager. Here’s how to approach the conversation along with ideas for a few date nights.

The Setup

Write a note to your partner that says you want to talk about how to divide up the workload in your home, and you’ve learned how to do that like a professional project manager. They may gasp, cry happy tears, and hug you at this point, so just receive the gratitude and ask them when they want to talk about it. Or they may roll their eyes, but stay the course. Explain that the process involves identifying all the work, deciding who does what based on capacity, and managing the work day to day. To go the extra mile, plan for a special time for just the two of you to talk about each of the steps below. It may take several sessions, but that just means more date nights!

Step 1: Identify the Work

First, it’s useful for everyone to be aware of all the work that has to be done around the house, so step one is to discuss it. Have a brainstorming session together and list your ideas on a sheet of paper or on sticky notes. Break the tasks down so they’re small enough to be completed by one person in roughly 20-minute increments, like folding laundry, vacuuming living room, and clearing the dinner dishes. 

Step 2: Check Availability

Now that you know what needs to get done, find out each person’s availability to do their part. If you want to go full geek, each of you can fill out a schedule chart for seven days. Include the parts of the day that take up large chunks of time, like sleeping, getting ready, work, school, commuting, recreational activities, etc. Fill out the hours spent per day on each item, and add up the totals for each day of the week. Share results and see how your schedules compare. It’s also a good opportunity to recognize your partner’s the need for personal time like hobbies or exercise and ensure these are captured and protected on each person’s schedule.

Step 3: Decide Who Does What

On another date night, start to decide who should do which chores. If you want, try writing each chore on a piece of paper, putting them in a bowl, and picking them at random. You can also ask if there are any tasks your partner would like to do because they have a natural interest in them.

If there are chores that neither of you wants to do, see who has the most capacity to do these things based on the schedule charts. To streamline responsibilities, it’s usually easier if one person takes ownership of an entire task from beginning to end like grocery shopping, bills, or laundry. This means that assigned person would be proactive in ensuring this entire workflow is organized, planned for from beginning to end and getting done. You can also rotate the less desirable chores.

Step 4: Manage the Work

Once you know who will do each item, list them on a weekly schedule using an app, whiteboard, chalkboard, spreadsheet, or just a piece of paper. You can always revisit the plan later if needed based on changes in commutes, work, or activities. If something new pops up, like vacation planning, talk about who wants to handle that project or parts of it.

By identifying the work, determining availability, and deciding who will do which chores, you will have opened up lines of communication, facilitated understanding, and come up with a more balanced workload for each of you. These conversations create more understanding relationships, reduce stress and build teamwork at home. Your partner may even feel more romantic because they are less tired from doing chores. Happy Valentine’s Day!

If you’d like more detail on how to apply project management principles to everyday life, buy the book, Project Management for Parents. by Hilary Kinney – available at all major online retailers.